Me: Are we actually going to leave today?
Sparklepants: Sure, maybe. We still have to get our gear together.
Sunnykins: Do we know where we are going yet?
Sparklepants: I was going to look up some hikes.
Sunnykins: Why don’t we just leave tomorrow?
Me: Great idea. Who wants a drink?
Sunnykins: Is this the trail?
Sparklepants: Where is the trail?
Me: The trail guide says go to the right.
Sparklepants: We went the the left because you said to go to the left.
Sunnykins: This doesn’t seem like the trail.
Me: I think this is the nature trail.
Sparklepants: We just went in a fucking circle.
Sunnykins: How much further?
Sparklepants: I didn’t realize it was going to be snowing this hard.
Sunnykins: Fuck you, switchbacks!
Me: It’s pretty though, right?
Sunnykins: I’m totally soaked through.
Me: Me too. My raincoat doesn’t work either.
Sunnykins: Did it just stop working?
Me: No, but I wanted to give it another chance.
Sunnykins: How many chances have you given it?
Sunnykins: Did you treat it or anything to try to make it more waterproof in between?
Sunnykins: I don’t understand how you could expect it to start working then.
Me: It does seem illogical when you put it that way.
Texting to the crew:
Sunnykins: We’re alive! At Twede’s Cafe.
[Sidebar: Twede’s is apparently home to the famous Twin Peaks Cherry pie and a “damn fine cup of coffee.”
I can’t speak to the coffee, but the pie sucks. Don’t order the pie if you ever go there. End Sidebar.]
First Mate: Glad you guys are safe. You know the cops were looking for you right?
Me: Are you for reals?
First Mate: Found your car. Thought something might have happened to you.
Sunnykins: At the trailhead? What?
Telephone call to the Sheriff’s office:
Sheriff: Someone reported they saw your car abandoned at the trailhead.
Me: It wasn’t abandoned.
Sheriff: Where are you?
Me: I’m at home.
Sheriff: Is your car still out there?
Me: No, we drove it back.
Sheriff: Did you set off flares this morning? Someone set off flares this morning. Was it you?
Sheriff: Ok. We’ll call you again if we need to.
This leaves me with some questions:
- What does it mean, “we’ll call you again if we need to”? Why would the Sheriff need to call me again?
- Shouldn’t the Sheriff’s office be out looking for the person or group who actually did set off the flares this morning?
- Why would someone report a car at a well known backpacking trailhead as abandoned when it was parked there for less that 24 hours? (Granted, I will admit the weather conditions would indicate that only the most foolhardy would willingly camp in a blizzard. But still. This is the Pacific Northwest, home to REI, and plenty of intrepid outdoor recreationalists.)
- If an establishment is going to claim fame for something like cherry pie, why wouldn’t that establishment take care to ensure that said cherry pie is actually something which deserves fame?
- Why do waterproof raincoats with a lifetime guarantee stop being waterproof in much less time than a lifetime?